


We'll Be Okay

by ValentineTrippy



Category: Linkin Park
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 09:22:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15531159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineTrippy/pseuds/ValentineTrippy
Summary: Linkin Park is not what they seem on the outside, they balance each other out though or do they??





	1. Chapter 1

I look up to see Brad pushing a plate of food towards me.  
All I did was shake my head, he pulls the plate away and gives the plate to Chester who cuts the food into smaller pieces and begins to eat while I watched with my brown eyes that have lost their glow but nobody noticed.  
The band all has things about them that nobody knows, I look out the window to see Joe smoking on the side of the bus, I look at the other side of the table to see Phoenix with three lines on front of him, I look to my left and see Rob there staring at me because he was worried about us all and Brad has to deal with all of us. I’m the one that runs when they get too much attention.  
Brad and Rob always runs after me and gets me by cornering me or picking me up.  
I don’t weight a ton so it really isn’t a big deal. Clothes for the band isn’t an easy thing these days because for the band you are in and out of the children section and we are constantly passing around pieces of our wardrobe and we are confused about who owns what.  
These days our shoes are the only thing we are sure about is whose shoes are who’s. Today I went to wardrobe and all the pants in my wardrobe was too big except a pair of sweatpants.  
I put a pair of skinny jeans on with the sweats underneath, I put a tight shirt on with one of my button up shirts and left the shirt unbuttoned.  
Fans asked over and over why I would never take my shirt off but I have always said a lie that was believed so I never have went into too much detail.  
Chester have actually gotten a diagnosis and I am the one just shaking his head when people ask him about food this is just how it works around here.  
I often blame myself for everything because I am called the glue but in my opinion I am not who people think I am but who am I to cause drama just because I think in the worst way possible and can’t eat my food.  
It seems all people focus on these days is the music not the people behind them that are as broken as it gets but I guess the money is what is cared about.  
I wake up to Brad trying to wake me, I guess he was successful because I was awake.  
Brad told me that we were having breakfast with another band. Me and Chester followed Brad’s words and got dressed.  
We all left to go to the restaurant that we were having breakfast and Brad sat to the left of me and to the right of me was Chester.  
Ordering for Linkin Park is not as complicated as it seems. All we ordered was four children’s plates with six cups of black coffee and a regular breakfast.  
Brad was the only one that put sugar or milk in his coffee.  
The rest of us just stared at our coffees wishing the black liquid would stop making our thoughts eat us alive.  
The regular breakfast is for Brad, One of the children’s plates was for Joe, the second plate is for Phoenix, the third was for Rob and the fourth one is for Chester and me.  
When the food arrives Brad gives Phoenix and Joe theirs and halves mine and Chester’s and cuts it into small pieces.  
Me and Chester stare at our surroundings.  
I expected to see the other band laughing at us but in the back of my mind I knew that they know the band life more than we do.  
I look over and a member of the other band was doing the same thing but when he gave it back to Brad I knew.  
Brad passed the plate to me, I put a piece in my mouth and we all started talking. The talk was about tour and stuff and before I knew it breakfast was over.  
We all went back to our bus and hung out.  
The Linkin Park bus wasn’t dirty today but it wasn’t exactly clean, there was opened cigarette packs, white bags of powder and there was two containers with various snacks cut up and seperated in the compartments of the containers.  
I can see their stares but words didn’t come to their lips because they have seen this all before.  
I go to the table and pick up the container with my name on it and picked up the smallest piece that I could find.  
I felt eyes on me and then sudden silence. The other band left and the bus was back to its quiet speaking when it is needed vibe.  
I go to the kitchen and sat down.  
My jeans even fall off me so I have to wear Chester’s jeans that are too small for him and a belt that I had to put another hole into to fit but at least they were not falling down.  
Today Me and Chester had almost no time to get ready so Chester put on my clothes and I put on his.  
Chester had on clothes that were too small for him while I was wearing clothes that were too big and had no contacts in or glasses on because they were with my clothes.  
Chester had on my ugg boots while I had his combat boots on we were a mess.  
When the other band left I had the worst headache I ever had in my life because I spent all morning with no glasses or contacts.  
When I woke up this morning I got to the place where our clothes were and someone told me that we were wearing the clothes that we have to wear to the interview later, I went to where my clothes were and when I put them on they fell off, it was very annoying to keep them up but if everything was easy we wouldn’t learn I guess.  
Before the interview Chester gave me my contact case, this was a relief because I can finally see clearly. We also swapped outfits because we were both annoyed.  
We made it through the interview and we all went back to the bus and went to sleep in the front lounge.  
Before I fall asleep I take out my contacts and fall into a very light sleep.  
I got awaken by someone waking up and I go to the fridge and take out some water and start to drink it.  
Chester comes up to me and scares me in the process.  
He asks me why I am drinking Vodka instead of water.  
This is when I realize that I made that mistake.  
I got out the water and made sure it was water.  
When everybody else woke up Chester’s stare was burning holes in me.  
I don’t say anything but he does,  
“Mike was getting some water from the fridge and got out the vodka instead”.  
I expected the whole band to burst into laughter but they didn't Chester said he was sorry.  
All I could do was nod my head because I didn't want to cry on front of my friends.


	2. Chapter 2

When I wake up it is time for another show, I don’t usually don’t sleep this late but after that rage I had in my sleep last night I should still be tired.  
I guess keeping it all in is really bad for me.  
The only thing I don’t keep in is my food.  
I go to the fridge and got out an apple, I put the apple on a plate and cut it up and started to eat it.  
When we have to go to stage I put my contacts on and follow the band.  
We all get ready for stage and Rob stares at me, all I do is look back at him and he smiles at me.

The show does great and then we all go out to eat. When we walked into the restaurant we were all handed menus, all we did was look for the kids menu except Brad.  
We all order our food, when the meal was finished the rest cleaned their plates and I barely touched mine.

We all went back to the bus and went to the back lounge to hangout.  
All I do is go to my bunk and go on my phone, nobody knows that I am hurting and it should stay that way because I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I just dislike having all eyes on me.  
I hear my bunk curtain opening and I see Joe on the other side, he asks me if I wanted to get something to eat because I picked at my food earlier and I said that I was fine.  
He shut my curtain and let me be.  
I guess that apple was enough, I don't want to take it all so I left more than half of the apple on the table.  
I guess that I was a idiot for leaving an apple out on the table like it was the snack container that has my name on it that nobody touches but me.  
I barely touched it.

I know Brad was annoyed that I couldn't pick up after myself or that I couldn't have just eaten out of the snack container that was for me.  
I hate how I think so much to stop a clock and manage to keep every single thought to myself then hide only a fraction into song lyrics that nobody knows that real feelings are laced into so tightly they are hidden instead of seen.  
When emotions are seen they are confused on who’s emotions they are.

I always get credit for the lyrics but I guess that I should take the credit I have been given but all the credit shouldn’t be mine I help my friends put their ideas on paper but that doesn’t mean that I write the most.  
I shouldn’t be going into this much detail about a simple concept but I always do more than is needed of me.  
I am the shoulder for everyone else to cry on but when it comes to me I shove my fingers down my throat and shut up.  
I don’t make the choices on what we are going to have to eat because I barely eat anything.

I often want to listen instead of being heard, I don’t want my opinions to hurt anyone so I shut my mouth and nod when I am supposed to.  
When someone asks me for my opinion I only think about them, I don’t want to be a selfish person so when everybody was sleeping I was either cutting myself up, silently breaking down or emptying myself.  
I shake my head whenever someone offers me food but that is just how it works around here, we all don’t eat much but when the others are offered something they take it while I watch with my empty brown eyes.  
I never said yes or nodded my head to food because I wouldn't eat even if someone payed me and all of the band tried believe me.  
All the smiles that I smile are fake but we all balance each other out.


	3. Chapter 3

My past have been bitter for years now to say the least, I say the least because I often talk about myself too much then call myself fat then reverse it the only way that is obvious.  
You could say that I was anorexic and I would agree with you because everyone else’s opinions are right while mine are not.  
If I don’t say I have a problem then I don’t.  
Wardrobe have gotten easier because I put on multiple layers and don’t say a thing.  
I am silent but I talk when I need to.  
I might be destroying myself but the whole world doesn’t have to worry about me when I am the only one in control, I have lost said control but I don’t need a headline saying it.  
My mind is a mess but who’s isn’t these days.  
My head is a dangerous place but I try to distract myself but end up cutting myself up instead. I know that I should tell someone but I think refusing food is enough, I don’t want to be a complete attention seeker. I seek enough attention by existing so why do I need more. Before I know it the tour is a third over and it starts to get harder to keep my pants up with the layering thing. The shows are getting hotter and harder to layer things.  
I make it through the hot months with the thinnest jeans I could find.  
Tour was over before and I knew it we were in a small room again then it is off on the road again.

(TIME-SKIP)

I wasn’t completely wrong but we went in a different direction but we stayed the same, we still had the same habits.  
The DJ still is having a smoke here and there, the bassist still sits with three lines on front of him, the drummer still stares at my every move and hugs me tightly but secure, the vocalists still are emptying themselves and cutting themselves up and the guitarist deals with it all.  
At the same time we all balance each other out, we all keep each other up but all I do is keep everything inside so if Phoenix wants me to come with him to the corner store just so he can go behind it to get a baggie and promise to buy me lollipops like a child that was told to behave he can.  
I also keep things inside so if Chester wants to tell me about his day as we sit down while he passes me sunflower seeds one by one and call me sunflower for fun.  
I keep things inside so if Rob wants to tell me funny stories while he passes me candies one by one like Chester does with the sunflower seeds.  
I also keep everything inside so I can listen to Brad while he tells me how his day went he talks to me while passing me pieces of paper that have nice words on them he can.  
Lastly I hide everything inside so if Joe wants to talk to me while having a smoke while he passes me mini chocolates he can. I often put the lollipops, sunflower seeds, candies, paper with nice words of them and chocolates in a container.  
I keep the container in my bunk because I didn’t want my problem to make them feel ignored.

With the new album came more emotions that were used, I feel like I am exposing my emotions more and that caused me to panic and not eat while recording vocals.  
I watched as Phoenix ate his snacks while I picked at a container of peanuts eating one at a time so I didn’t eat them all.  
I don’t know why I watched him but something tells me that I have a problem.  
Chester got better but the rapper of the band not only sang now but he hid every emotion that he felt.  
I kept to myself keeping myself busy producing and recording instead of eating and counting calories.  
I didn’t empty myself for a week but I didn’t do any of my normal routine for that amount of time.  
It was not like I had a routine anyway.  
If I am not thinking of music I am thinking of calories. I am very paranoid about either. Cause that is who I am, the Paranoid Rapper in a rockband.


	4. Chapter 4

I’m just a walking wreck it seems like, I can’t get anything right.  
Maybe that is my thing getting everything wrong, throwing up everything I eat, having rage that could tear friendships apart but somehow it doesn’t.  
I can’t say how but who can in a world where everyone is either lying to themselves or others and in some cases both.  
I am not calling myself a liar but I do tell myself I don’t have a problem and if that is a lie then I’m lying.  
In interviews I often zone out but we won’t worry about that at the moment.  
Studio life is crazy because we don’t sleep and everyone eats but me so I am working my ass off while everyone is eating.  
I don’t have any shame in this because when we all drink at my house everyone but me and Chester drinks but we all throw up and nobody questions it when we look like we are drinking but all we smell of is diet ginger ale.  
We didn’t want to intake all the calories of the non diet drink that was right next to it. We act like we are afraid of ourselves not because that is true but we are afraid of what people think of us.  
Chester is in the process of recovery but I am still in the undiagnosed stage but I don’t want a diagnosis because that would give me a label that I don’t want. That would give me attention that should be divided by six but isn’t.

My problem started early in my life, I was the son that was ignored because their younger sibling was perfect.  
I was the kid that found comfort in silence and a razor.  
My brother called me worthless growing up I never told mom because he was perfect and I was the wrong answer that my parents had trying to have the perfect child.  
I pushed away food so my brother could have it because he is perfect.  
I was called moody by my mother so I was quiet so my brother could get the attention he needs.  
I only met one friend, Brad.  
He never judged me and he welcomed me with open arms when my perfect brother pushed me out of the family, my parents apologized but I accepted their apologies because your not suppose to talk back to your parents.  
At sixteen I found comfort in school and my sketchbook.  
Those two things didn’t call me worthless.  
The kids at school judged me but accepted me, not for being worthless, for just being me. On my eighteenth birthday all I got was a bottle of antidepressants.  
I didn’t even open the bottle, that night I went to Brad’s.  
I almost told him to tell his mother that it wasn’t my birthday because I didn’t want a cake because I never had one but his mother knew.  
She got me a cake, the first birthday cake I ever had was my eighteenth and Brad had one every year.  
That cake tasted better than the antidepressants my parents got me.  
Our three other friends came over little did I know that when I felt like someone was missing I would meet him four years later.  
It felt good to have people in life that actually cared about me, at the same time I never knew that the person missing would relate to me that much that we would become closer than it seemed possible.

When I met Chester it felt like a part of my life that was missing came to me.  
He is like a brother to me but he didn’t call me worthless.  
He didn’t get me a bottle of medication for my birthday.  
He made me feel loved and then I fell into the life that I loved.  
Being a rock-star isn’t all it is cracked up to be.  
We still have to work for our paycheck but what is different about us is that we are living inside a stigma and a expectation. The six of us were mean't for each other but I'm still not sure if we balance each other out.


	5. Chapter 5

Nobody can save me but me. Chester told me this a million times and it seems like I just got his point.  
Even after I realized his point I don’t feel good about myself. I still keep going the way that I am because all that matters is that I am breathing, more emotions make better songs. Writing songs these days are like writing a journal, not like a private journal.  
The only way I can think to describe it is someone finding your journal and spreading it around the school but the school is the world and every classroom is like a country.  
I’m trying to be understood but I feel like I sound drunk or stoned. We all have our own struggles but I would much rather struggle in private but privacy isn’t an option to me anymore, it haven’t been for a while now.  
At the same time I wouldn’t trade it for anything, I’m not exactly proud of who I am but I play my part.  
Having meals at a band mates house is easy because we all know each know what each other like.  
Not the taste of food but the amounts and the way me and Chester cut our up like children need their cut up so they don’t choke.  
We aren’t children but cutting food small is a sign to something bigger than just refusing food.  
We both wear the same shirts that we wore before.  
Honestly I never wore the same shirt that I wore before this happened I wear shirts from the target or walmart down the street that probably came from the kids section because I am too thin to go to the mens section and confidently pick out a normal size.  
I often hide who I am when I go there because I don’t want someone to call me a anorexic instead of Mike Shinoda.  
We were all at Brad’s when Dave asked me to go with him to the corner store to get another little white bag.  
When we were in the car he asked me what I wanted to do because I never do what I want with people. This is because I want to not be a self centered person.  
I don’t know who would want to be a self centered person but that isn’t my point.  
I just want to be a person that is loved for being then not the money in their bank account and how much my name is known. I don’t want to be known by things that I could lose.  
I want to be the person that makes a difference not a person that talks about making a difference.

Chester has been really getting on me about recovery but I just can’t stop relapsing.  
He’s done it like the complete champ he is but his little Mikey can’t even be in recovery for even five minutes.  
I know this sounds like a complete lie but one time he tried to get me to drink a non diet drink but drinking some then making me drink some and it didn’t work and all that happened was we both got Brad to bring us diet drinks and he did and we gave him twice the money because of the trouble we caused him. He ended up leaving the extra money in my mailbox.  
I tried to give the money to back to Brad but he wouldn’t take it. I eventually gave up.

Recovery for me only ends with relapse for me.  
The biggest progress I ever had was when I ate a big meal and kept it down all night. It all came up the next morning but at least I kept it down for a good few hours.  
I also for a few weeks I ate little snacks that Brad would give me in small containers.  
He gave me nuts and little crackers in the shape of bunnies.  
He still gives then to me but I stare at them for a little longer than I should.  
I stare at the bunny crackers till I give it to Chester usually.  
Brad knows that I won’t eat the animal crackers anymore and if I ate them I would just eat the bunnies because they made me happy.  
I know that sounds messed up.  
In my head if I would eat the bunny crackers I should just eat them. Dave scared me with the don’t eat you will die sentence so in my own twisted mind if I eat a few crackers I won’t die.  
I don't want to die young because nobody wants to.


	6. Chapter 6

I had a nightmare in the bus last night.  
It was about my eighteenth birthday.  
The nightmare was about being bullied by my family.  
All of my family was making me feel worthless like always and before they could hit me Chester woke me.  
When I am asked where I think my self conscious mind came from I shake my head and say that I didn’t know but the catch is that I do know and it was my own family.  
My little brother was so perfect and all I tried to do was be noticed by my parents.  
All I did was make my parents pay more attention to my little brother and my little brother listened to my music and gave me a call.  
At that moment I was prepared to be called a waste of equipment but he liked the music that I made.  
I dropped the phone in shock and I was crying that hard Chester heard me from the front lounge.  
I felt bad for making Chester and all the others.  
If nobody can save me why am I so desperate for others if they can’t save me.  
Being forced to watch memories that are so hard that they can make me breakdown in a single second and the band enjoyed themselves while their friend gets consumed by his own mind. What Chester made me realize was that I wasn’t in control of things, I believed him but I believed her in the wrong way. I believed her in the wrong way because my mind only understood the part that I am not in control.  
This was because when I am in control everything goes wrong but when my mind is in control everything seems right.  
I know that my mind is the thing controlling my body but when everything happened all those months ago my mind lost control and when my mind lost control I lost my mind.  
I don’t want to say too much about this because I don’t want to completely bring the mood down. I used my phone to start playing a song that everyone in the room knew.  
A song that was just natural to play ever since it was written all those years ago.  
It seems whoever sings the words the emotions either belong to me or him but the emotions are too heavy to be mine because I seem so happy to be feeling that way.  
The emotions that people assume that I feel these days are just the tip of the iceberg, what I mean by that is sometimes the feelings that people think that I feel are only the start of what I am really feeling inside.  
I seem to forget that my band is watching me because I let my mind consume me over and over and not think anything different of it.  
I am too use to the habit I guess so things happen automatically damaging me without notice every single time.  
I often throw up what I eat and get myself down for no reason at all really.  
I know this sounds like I am overthinking the things that are actually important but what I really am doing is just overthinking the things that don’t really need to be over thought but I do it anyways.  
It is like my mind is on autopilot driving the wrong way and I am trying to go the right way but all I am doing is making the car go out of control.  
I know that I shouldn’t compare my mind to the autopilot setting of a car but sometimes I try to use examples to make people understand me but it never seems to work for me so the reason must me with me and my lack of being able to make anything make sense.  
The way that it could be me is as clear as my thoughts making sense to me. know everyone thinks differently but I think that I can’t be thinking right.  
We have to be different but when a third of the band doesn’t go to catering and the vocalists don’t even go near the food table you know that they have a bit of a problem, being a rockstar is not all it is made up to be hopefully I can show you.


	7. Chapter 7

Having fun is one thing we can’t change in the band.   
We have a beer every now and then. Me and Chester don’t because there is a lot of calories in a few beer.   
We often drink diet ginger ale instead. This is mine and Chester’s little secret because the others don’t need to know that we are watching our weight.   
I looked on my doorstep to see a box of Annie’s cheddar bunnies (organic cheese crackers shaped like bunnies).   
I was confused at first but I knew Brad dropped them off at my doorstep because he always does when we aren’t on tour because Phoenix has him scared that if I don’t eat I will die. On tour he used to put a package of animal crackers in my bunk every day till he noticed that I only ate the bunnies. 

I don’t have a clue why I only eat the bunny crackers but I think it has to do with Chester and Phoenix passing me animal crackers one at a time.   
I refused each one like always and Chester begged me to eat just the bunnies because there weren’t many of them and that fact made me actually eat some of the crackers he handed me.   
This isn’t exactly rockstar life but it is the life of Michael Kenji Shinoda. I always eat small amounts because in my twisted head I think it is right to not touch food for days and drink a vitamin water when anyone questions me, I don’t mean straight vitamin water of course, I put just enough to colour the water.   
I carry around a bottle of water for some reason. Brad picked up on the fact that I do this and tries to give me sip of his beer when we are hanging out after shows. This ends with Chester giving me a bottle of diet ginger ale when Brad has had a few drinks but isn’t completely wasted but at the same time to drunk to notice what the vocalists are drinking. On tour our food in the green room often goes untouched by the vocalists. I use the time that the others eat to stare at myself in the mirror. 

People say I am a musical god but I hate every pound of myself. I get myself ready because we are going out to eat with another band. I want to look good but all Phoenix said was if I didn’t eat food I will die.   
My mind told me it was the white powder that was always in his back pocket.   
When we went to the restaurant Brad was to my right and Chester was to my left and to his right was Rob. They were to our sides because they want to make sure we eat, like small children that are promised dessert if they ate but we consider that empty calories and foods on the no list.   
Recovery for me is only eating junk food with Chester and Phoenix then throwing it up the next morning while Chester rubs my back and Phoenix is confused.   
We ordered our food and I just picked at it.


	8. Chapter 8

Every band has a story about how they got to fame and our band is no different.  
We are about eleven years into it and we have gone so far from the kids making music in closets.  
I’ll just start from the start of it all.  
Five of us are from Los Angeles and Chester is from Arizona.  
Me and Chester both had hard pasts but that makes us who we are everyone who really knows us says.  
My parents were never proud of me till I started making more money in one week than they did in six months.  
I have been guilted into sending money to them.  
I have been drinking sink water and tiny bit of food for so long as a child that I now have food problems.  
I went to school for art but always did music on the side and after a little while music was turning out to be the main part of my life.  
We were struggling for a little while then we found Chester and we stopped struggling.  
We played our first show and things started to go better for us because we wrote our names on a pieces of paper that changed our lives, we got signed and we were all so happy that the hard work paid off.  
When we got signed we were quickly thrown into a world where grocery shopping is totally normal hiding who you are and whispering when the clerk asks if you want paper or plastic.  
Luckily we live in a world where buying groceries on your computer or phone is normal.  
For a little while I had Rob pick up my groceries for me because he was the best at ignoring the press.  
I guess that being a rapper in a rockband does that to a person. We can go to a normal grocery store without getting almost killed.  
I was the best man at my brother’s wedding and the other bandmates were invited. When my brother asked me to be his best man I was in total shock.  
I said that I would, he said I was the only person that really understood him.  
He was right because I listened to him when my parents had better things to do.  
I wouldn’t ignore him even if I was about to do a show halfway across the world.  
Two of the groomsmen’s plates were left untouched and their champagne was diet ginger ale.  
We all have secrets, me and Chester counting calories that much we know them automatically is our secret.  
Here we are on tour we are all about five years older than we were when we were at my brothers wedding.  
My parents still ask me when I am getting married but now just isn’t the right time, maybe I am meant to be the son that is still trying to figure this music thing out, this is what my parents tell their friends but I am one of the vocalists in one of the biggest rock bands.  
I guess that they are too blind to see my success. Getting back to present day we all have something different about us.  
Hi my name is Mike Shinoda and I say no to every piece of food that someone gives me, he’s Chester Bennington and he has the same issue as me but he actually tried to recover and did a very good job, he’s Phoenix he uses a little white bag to get rid of the kind of feelings that I spend too much time thinking about, he’s Rob he worries about his band mates self destructive habits, he’s Joe and he takes a break with a white stick of you know what is in a smoke so I don’t need to say something stupid to make the whole thing make no sense and last but not least he is Brad and he deals with all of this and supports us and makes sure we don’t kill ourselves.  
I leave a piece of paper with a compliment in brad’s bunk, the remainder of a bag of sunflower seeds in Chester’s, A small chocolate in Rob’s, A lollipop in Phoenix’s and a candy in Joe’s. They leave a bottle of diet vitamin water and box of Annie’s cheddar bunnies in my bunk. We all take care of each other but I am barely trying.


	9. Chapter 9

My home life isn’t really as glamorous as people think it is.  
My house has seven bathrooms but it isn’t a mansion, it has a home studio but nothing is made out of gold or really expensive.  
If you seen my house you wouldn’t automatically think that Mike Shinoda lives there.

When the band comes over my fridge only has condiments, food that they like, beer and diet ginger ale.  
The kitchen cupboards only hold crackers, snacks that the band likes, me and Chester’s snack containers, simple ingredients for baking and teddy graham cookies.

The band is coming to my house for a studio session so I get the snack containers out and put the food inside. Mine and Chester’s are already done so I only have to do four of them. I do this because the band is shy about taking snacks so this is a way to make things more individualized.

I put the snacks everyone likes and replace Chester’s anyway making sure that I leave some pieces bigger than others because Chester is making progress, he ate about six grapes one after the other without cutting them first.

I put in a few grapes whole and cut a few of them up. I gave Chester grapes today because I didn’t before.

Before the band shows up I get the snack containers and put them on the desk in the studio. When the band shows up they are all tired as I was.

This was when Joe suggested that we order a pizza, me and Chester looked at each other. We all go to my living room and watch something on television while Joe orders the pizza that only four people want.

We watch The Little Mermaid till the pizza gets delivered. That was when I remembered that I left food out in the studio. I quickly go to the studio and put the food in the fridge.  
Brad looked closely at my container because I told him that I finished it all the day before. I really didn’t but he always texts me about what I ate and if I did. He looks at my trash sometimes too, I don’t mind it at all because he is just trying to help me.

We watched The Little Mermaid till the pizza got delivered. That was when I remembered that I left food out in the studio. I quickly went to the studio and got the food and put it in the fridge.  
Brad looked closely at my container because I told him that I finished all the food in it the day before. I really didn’t but he always texts me about what I ate and if I did. He looks at my trash sometimes too, I don’t mind it at all because he is just trying to help me.

When Joe put the pizza on the coffee table he handed everyone a slice me and Chester included. I held the plate in my hands and all I did was put the plate down and Chester did the same.

The other four people in the room didn’t understand that when me and Chester looked at the plate all we see is carbs, sugar and fat.

We would much rather eat things like fruit and trail mix that we pick out all the chocolate and extra unneeded sugar out of.

When Jason was born my Mama said that she loved us equally but right now I am wondering if she failed math completely. Loving your second son with 99.9% and your husband and first son with the leftover 0.1% isn’t equal.  
Parent love only came from my father when I was younger and I guess that is okay.

We “Finish” our pizza and me and Chester are forced to at least eat half of it and we both barely did it and when the band left I just went to my bed and got under the covers and went to sleep so I didn’t have the chance to talk myself out of thinking about the reason why my parents didn’t love me.

I think about it without realizing it because that is where my mind automatically goes to places it shouldn’t but I can’t help it.


End file.
